Best Joke Book

A couple of cops were parked outside a bar. About closing time, they noticed a man, who was so drunk he could barely walk, leaving the bar. The guy stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes while the officers watched quietly.

After trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He sat for a few minutes as other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off [it was a dry night], flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the car forward a few inches, reversed a little and then stayed stationary for a few more minutes as patrons continued to drive off.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The cops started up their patrol car, put on the flashing lights, followed the guy and pulled him over.

They carried out a breathalyser test and were amazed to find that the man had not consumed any alcohol at all!

One of the officers said "We'll have to ask you to come to the police station with us. This breathalyser equipment seems to be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight, you see, I'm the designated decoy."

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Hundreds of fantastically funny jokes, plain and ribald … culled from a joke-bank that has taken half a lifetime to assemble.

Most of the jokes in the Best Joke Book are a quarter to half a page long. They have been reworked for oral delivery by an experienced editor so you can use them to the blag and banter going.

The longer jokes are interleaved with a wide selection of one-liners, George Bushisms, newly invented words, daft headlines ... ideal attention grabbers in a pub or late night get-together.

Click to see sample pages on:

Caveat: some of these jokes are extremely funny indeed ... due care and caution is advisable.

Employers can avoid hiring unlucky people by tossing half the CVs they get into the bin.

"Panda Mating Fails; Vet Takes Over" — newspaper headline

"No trespassing without permission" — sign-post

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"I'm not part of the problem; I'm a Republican" — George Bush

Inocullate (noun): to take coffee intravenously

I've always wanted to drown my troubles but the wife refuses to go swimming.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

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