Here are a few sample jokes …
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man kept staring.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Paddy called Ryan Air to book a flight. “How many people are flying with you?” the operator asked. “Jaysus, sure how would I know? It’s your plane!”
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, “Please come quickly. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel”.
The manager responded, “Sir, that’s a personal matter”.
Husband, “You idiot, it’s a maintenance matter … the window won’t open!”
A man walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man. “I only bet on sure things.”
“Like what?” the bartender asked.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
A blonde and a brunette board an elevator and push the button for the top floor. At the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit gets in. The shoulder of his suit is speckled with dandruff.
Two floors later the man gets off. When the door closes the brunette says, “I wish I could give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”
“Wow!” said the blonde, “how do you give shoulders?”
One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to a much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into fits of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, “What are you laughing at, Mister?”
“I was just thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied. “I’m a gynaecologist … “
Remember, if you wake up breathing, you’ve been given another chance!